With hindsight the game against Queens Park was never going to be a classic. The pre-match period was littered with tell-tale signs that BSW were never going to click.
– Chris Neale hadn’t quite worked out how to dress himself, not as bad as the Man City clown Balotelli, but still, a grown man unable to work out ‘back from front’ is worrying
– BSW appeared to have a zombie playing for them; Worryingly Stu had turned a nice grey colour. No one knew why. Not even Stu.
– The reassuring sound of velcro straps being opened, tightened and fastened was absent. No potter
– No conversations about upcoming marathons and iron-mans were overheard. No Dene
– No overwhelming smell of hair products and Lynx body spray. No Jonesy
– No one was pointing and laughing at a pair of girls boots. No Abdul
However the signs were blatantly ignored, and with the team reeling from the omission of dreamboat midfielder Dan from the line-up Sean delivered his rousing pre-match instructions….
“(something incomprehensible in scouse)….. get a couple of early goals and we can relax the rest of the afternoon”
So, pumped with the Sean’s Churchill-esque words BSW kicked off.
Not a great start within 15mns QP were 1 goal up. Despite having dealt with most of their attacks pretty well up to this point BSW fell a goal behind when a QP player got his shot away in the box, and although the sting was taken out of it by Chris Neale it managed to loop over Marcel.
The next 15mins played out with QP hitting long balls that were dealt with easily enough, but BSW rarely threatened. Cheryl Baker was making some decent runs through the middle, but invariably the burden of Sean’s death stare – given to anyone running the ball for more than 10metres – was too much for Baker, and the runs came to nothing.
Then BSW found themselves back in the game. A great free kick from Ian was bent up and over the wall, which hit the post, and before it had time to trickle over the line Granty managed to squeak it in from 0.1cm out. 1-1.
Rather than kick on from here though BSW slipped back and let QP dominate like an overbearing sex offender with a new prisoner in his cell, inevitably QP scored. 2-1.
Just before half time BSW got back in it for the 2nd time. Mark – who moments earlier sent a header just over the bar – finished well when good work down the left hand side presented him with a chance. He finished well from just inside the box. 2-2
Half time saw the predictable ‘we’re playing shit’, ‘we’re lucky to be in this’, ‘let’s do better’, etc.
Then something quite brilliant happened, even if it was uncomfortable to watch… Sean questioned the amount of running Cheryl Baker had been putting in, then defending his approach Cheryl argued back;
‘right then…’ Sean said, ‘Baker you’re off – Dan you’re coming on’.
It was like watching your mate and his girlfriend argue on a night out. 50% embarrassing, 50% funny.
Anyhow, Cheryl looked perplexed, but at least there was some eye-candy on the pitch for Ben to ogle whilst the ball was cemented in the BSW half. Niall thrown on for a bit of manliness too.
Pretty much the same as the first half – the defence was proving easier to open up than Gerry McGanns hotel room door. Every attack or through ball for the space of 20mins seem to end in panic. Eventually one got through and left Chris stranded in the left back position, and when given the choice to hoof or pass to a man-marked Mac, he chose the latter. Unfortunately the pressure on Mac and the pass he received meant the QP player collected the ball in the penalty box and finished. 3-2
Then great work from Ben down the right hand side saw him ‘skin’ a QP player and cut the ball back for Niall who’d taken up the spot 1 yard from goal that Ben had finally vacated. On receiving the pass Niall managed to chip, lob and slice the ball over the keeper – which sounds like an insult – but it was actually a good finish and a great move. 3-3.
Straight after BSW had a decent free-kick 20 yards from the QP goal, however eager to scope out a potential ‘cottage’ for later Ben launched the ball into the park toilets rather than testing the keeper.
Then QP did it again. Another long ball over the top wasn’t dealt with an Adam tripped the guy in the box who was making his way to goal. Penalty dispatched. 4-3. Sean argued, as Sean does, but it was perhaps the easiest decision the Ref had all day.
Not to be outdone in the hissy fit stakes, Chris had a minor breakdown when one of the QP players accidentally caught him when on the floor. No-one seemed to take any notice.
Tantrums over goals were needed, so head honcho McGuinness looked to the bench… best get Mark back on, but who to take off when you need goals? Granty of course, especially when he’s sweating like an Fritzl at a family re-union. Ben off, Mark on. Change to the score? None.
No way back for BSW. Finished 4-3
In a bold strategy BSW saved their best move of the day for after the match. A skilfully executed boot caught Sean squarely on the toe. Oh dear, hissy fit number 3 duly followed.
A broken Sean looked a frustrated man, whether it was the result, or maybe the fact a woman locked in a basement for 24 years has had more sex than him no-one knew. Either way, someone was gonna ‘get it’ on Call of Duty later.
Onwards and upwards for BSW.
Author: Dan Taylor
[The score actually went 2-0 QP, 2-2, 4-2, 4-3]