Like a scene fromHangover 3, I got a call from Danny on the Monday after the game against uni, who told me, this team was falling apart not only were we getting battered by shit teams like uni, we were fighting among ourselves, like danny and marcel over whos round it was next, the uni game was a mess. Our captain Rab was on the warpath not with uni but with our own friar tuck (Dar Dooley). I can hardly understand Rabs language at the best of times but him and Darren went head to head, words were said in the heat of the moment, i think Rab said im going for a piss? and Darren thought Rab said he was piss?? with all the excitement of a punch up and some blood shed, Bruiser was like a raging homosexual on a Sunday night in the Columbian, horny as fuck he let out a scream that shook the all weather pitch, BRUISER LOVES RAB, BRUISER LOVES RAB, the Goonies was what came to mind…………..
Game nine against Dunbar, 13 Barnstoneworth men turned up, Billys team talk was short for a change with one message, get our fucking acts together. Billy started with the usual formation 4-4-2, Marcel in goal, back four Hartley, Rab, Brusier (raging homo), Allistar (mr st tropez), midfield Anton, Nial, big Gav,and Numpty, and up front the Stallion and Ronan (Hank from me myself and irene).
It was a good start by the home team some good work from midfield , some great passes and movement from the whole team, Numptys confidence was clearly coming back he was calling for every ball, even when the other team had possession, Anton was running with his eyes open, Big Gav was in second gear (slow), niall and the ref (paul from the Coach) were like twins in midfield, in fact i got more passes off the ref than i did off niall all season! The back four were playing like Real Madrid, Allister was playing his usual game, mirror in one hand and hair brush in the other, Brusier was waxing Rabs chest and Hartley was eyeing up his next victim for his trade mark tackles. Ronan was gazing at the sun praying the weather stays under 15 degrees and the Stallion as usual, was running things from the front ,that guy can change a game in the blink of an eye which many teams have learned the hard way during the season.
Out of nothing Barnstoneworth broke down the right wing and got a throw just outside the 18 yard box, Allister stepped up to take it, he was about to throw it back to Marcel but the stallion skipped past his two markers and screamed for the ball, Allister as usual threw the ball at Stallions head, the Stallion controlled it dilly-dallied around four players and struck it with his famous left foot. The ball glided in to the top corner, it was text book stuff, nobody was shocked they had seen it all season from the stallion. Hank (Ronan) had one or two shots at the corner flags but apart from that not much else happened in the first half.
The second half was good work again by Barnstoneworth there was some good work down the right side, Hank crossed a good ball in and Niall with a great header that glided inches wide, a real good effort, Billy had made some changes, Gav off, Friar Tuck and Daz on, we might of being 1-0 up but we were still under some pressure we needed a second goal, and the stallion was already on the case! After a clever ball by Daz, the Stallion dribbled into the box beating two or three, he was just about to pull the trigger and rattle home his second goal when the dunbar centre half handled the ball, Barnstownworth peno. I looked to Billy to take it he said no, surely hartley was next in line? no again, it was Numpty to stand up and seal this game off… Numpty was shaking as he picked the ball up his confidence has being low ever since he came out of the closet, i think with the arrival of Brusier to the team he has realised hes not the only gay in the village. Anyway Numpty stepped up with the Dunbar keeper jumping up and down, Numpty picked his spot and riffled home a great peno, fuck we needed it, well done Numpty…. 2-0 the Barnys.
There was some other half attempt on goal mainly by Friar Tuck but we all know there is more power in a feather blowing through the air than any of Darrens shots. Next game, top of the table clash, lets fucking play our game of football and smash this average team, and Brusier, only steamers wear nipple rings??
P.s rumour has it the Royal are pleased with the chemical brothers being barred from the Coach, this months takings were sky high, we even get a lift to the Cock n Bull on a Sunday, thanks to all the staff in the Royal though during this verytough time for the chemical brothers