WAVERLEY OLD BOYS VS BARNSTONEWORTH UTD

3-1 LOSS (third of the season)

Attendance: 30 fans + 1  Referee + 1 very rich Traffic Warden (C**t)

Now I was confident as anyone when it came to Barnstoneworth winning the AA2 League, undefeated all season, but after this latest loss, it’s time to wake up and smell the coffee – we’re fucked. Also-rans. 2nd at best. Runners up. To be honest I didn’t know how it would affect me, but today, I just feel absolutely deflated.

I can’t get away from these emotions, I just want the whole world to just fuck off and leave me alone. To help me come to terms with this whole mess, I’ve decided to compile a list of everyone and everything I want to fuck off most of all.

For starters, Virgin Atlantic can fuck off. If they think I’m going to be there on time for my flight on Monday morning they’ve got another thing coming. No way am I going to spend time dealing with fellow passenger c***s that I can barely stand being with when I’m in a good mood, let alone this crushing feeling of anger, frustration and outright metaphorical-kicked-in-the-bollocks-ness that the referee has enforced upon me.

Hand fucking ball…!? He picked the fucking ball up! Definite Penalty!

Niall getting sent off for being shit at go karting…!? Bit harsh..but fair.

But the worst part – saying that I scored an OG on my last ever appearance? He can fuck off. I was miles offside……..oh.

Plastic Premier League fans can fuck off. I just spoke to my Manchester United supporting friend (who incidentally, has been to Old Trafford before – once) about Barnstoneworth’s predicament. You know what he said? “I know how you feel; it’s like when we failed to win a trophy in ‘95”. NO IT FUCKING WELL IS NOT!

He no longer has any testicles.

The bird I shagged last Saturday night after my leaving do – can definitely fuck off. Her best attempt at consolation via text message Sunday evening – “I don’t know why you’re bothered; you knew Barnstoneworth have been shít so far, particularly against Maroubra and Bondi”. Yes love, but they’re MY shít team. They’ve been MINE for pretty much as long as I’ve been in Australia, and they’ll be MINE for as long as I’m alive (or at least, until I’m no longer able to wipe my own arse…ETA 18 months). Truth is, playing with my team, and winning does things for me that no woman can. If push comes to shove and I’m horny, I can always have a wank.

Bondi can fuck off. I’ve been all over the Eastern Suburbs and beyond to play for my team, but frankly I just don’t have the stomach to visit any team that makes the 1988 Wimbledon FC “direct football” team look like fucking Brazil, compared to those cheating Russians.

Alan Birchall, you can fuck off. This is your fault. Your idea. You introduced me to Barnstoneworth. “Come with me to Paine Reserve”, you said, “Come and play with the boys”. What could I do? I was fucking new to Sydney, what choice did I have? Why not get me hooked on Heroin whilst you were at it? I could have gone with Ian Rogers shopping for bras and knickers at the Tool Shed, but no, you knew best.

Granted, I’d have probably grown up a homosexual but surely even being simultaneously buggered by four guys named Baker, Mac, Barry and Nealer, couldn’t hurt like this.

Seeing as we’re on the subject of homosexuality, Gok Wan can fuck off. No particular reason, I just plain don’t like the annoying, goggle-eyed c**t.

Some of the Eastern Suburbs Officials can fuck off. Not for supplying us, week-in, week- out, with ***** referee after ***** referee, but for imposing sensible player rules on all clubs in AA2. How many clubs in this division have been deducted points this season for fielding ineligible players? Not one. How the fuck else are we supposed to finish champions – footballing merit?

The Euro Championships can fuck off – I don’t care anymore. Fucking Woy Hodgson? I’m interested to hear his view on the “World Rankings” though.

My local pizza shop can fuck off. I ordered a 12” Stuff crust Hawaiian over an hour ago, and where the fuck is it? Are they trying to peel their own pineapples, and shave the ham off a pigs* back or something?

SBS can fuck off. Nothing personal, but there’ll be little need for me next season to watch that Craig Foster after he stitched me twice. Wanker.

The radio can fuck off. On my way home from the match, whilst driving down Cleveland Street, I caught three completely separate stations playing ‘We are the Champions’ by Queen at the exact same fucking time. The song’s the best part of a hundred years old, how the fuck does that happen by coincidence!?

Dan Taylors** old lucky Buddha that used to sit in his front room can fuck off. When I was a round his house, I held it in my hands and wished for Barnstoneworth to be in the AA1. I meant the proper one you fat c**t, not the one occupied by Redfern Rent boys, Dunbar AA8’s and for fuck’s sake, UNSW  reserves, whoever the fuck they are.

Tonight can fuck off. I’ve had enough of trying to cope with my emotions; the time has come for oblivion. I haven’t kept any booze in the House since an occasion known only as ‘That Night’ by a dirty whore, and myself but suffice to say that the toilet duck and luminous blue mouthwash are looking like stronger propositions by the minute.

Most of all though, the last 4 years can fuck off. In that time I’ve watched my team fall from champions of AA3 and AA2 into mid table nothingness. We’ve gone from one great big fuck up to the next without even coming up for air, and today is just the big, fuck off cherry on top, mainly due to the referee.

One thing I’m sure of though is that we WILL be back. When it comes down to it, a football club is basically just a set of players, and frankly what I’ve learned in the last few weeks and years, is that this club has some of the best players I have ever played with. We’ve had to put up with some shít, haven’t we boys, but in spite of all of that the future is still bright – it’s fucking red and white.

Barnstoneworth ‘til I die…

Its been a pleasure over the last 4 years, I have made some great friends, and I look forward to my return sometime in the future. Good luck for the remainder of the season, and a great goal Barry by the way, although I am claiming it.

All the best boys. You can beat every team we have played so far this season. Not one of them is better than us! Onwards and Upwards.

Fondest Desires,

Ben “Tool Shed” Grant

* That Scottish bird I shagged the prior Saturday night (Glebe match)

** Dan Taylor was not at home when I was there holding his Fat Buddah. Special thanks to Mrs. Taylor

This week’s AA4 fixture was certainly one for the scrapbooks albeit for off field performances as opposed to commanding ones on the field of play. The game was notable as a celebration of the 25th anniversary of Barnstoneworth United football club and the camera crew were present with bells on trying to capture the inner workings of the club a quarter century on from it’s foundation.

Preparations were unique in that the basics of passing and running were this week complimented by the learning of an historic tribal dance whose prestige and grace can be matched only by new Zealand’s now famous Haka.

With the team named, the water on board and the tactics set for battle with a Sydney University side with only 9 players fit and ready for the game’s commencement, history tool centre stage. The legendary Mickey led the team and assorted prestigious club members out to the centre circle where a somewhat befuddled Sydney University side awaited along with the Sky Sports cameras. The following 45 seconds will forever be remembered in Australia Football Federation history as Mickey led a rousing rendition of the Humpity that was met with the utmost respect and silence from all in the ground and followed by a standing ovation upon its electric completion!

Unfortunately this rousing pre-match ritual did not inspire the home team to play their best football in trying windy conditions in the now pumping Paine Reserve. Complacency seemed to creep in due to the oppositions incomplete line up though the first half did produce some good spells with success garnered down the flanks in creating chances where first Nick and then Ronan (with a thunderbolt that had him halfway to the cameras planning a classic celebration) hit the woodwork with chances that would have opened the scoring for what would just about have been a deserved lead.

However, mid way through the half Sydney University (at this stage restored to a more formidable 10 men) took the lead on the break to leave the large Barnstoneworth contingent in the vicinity in stunned silence. This bad news was compounded with the arrival of an 11th man from the nearest bus stop clad head to toe in opposition colours ready to return his teammates to the full compliment of eleven.

This seemed to kick the lads into gear a bit more and some more chances were created in the minutes leading up to half time with Ronan particularly effective on the right flank. A number of corners were produced for the home side and a couple of solid efforts nearly produced the equaliser with Joe coming up from centre back to go close with a glancing header. The breakthrough then came when a good move up the left including WYnton and Wes produced a corner which captain Chris stepped up to take. His cultured left boot dropped a perfect corner right onto the six yard box where Al Dowling was waiting to notch his first league goal of the seasons with his noggin. 1-1

Half time shortly followed and the talk at half time was to stay calm and keep the ball on the ground in increasingly windy conditions. Only a win would satisfy a strong home support that were beginning to grow restless.

The second half continued in the same vein as the first with strong performances from Joe and Richie at the back dealing with considerable and consistent aerial bombardment from the visiting students. The first 20 minutes or so passed without too many notable chances for either team.

Then a quick break started from the centre backs that quickly went through the centre of midfield and up the right flank created an opening for the home side. Al Dowling found himself in space down the right and with the ball hopping in front of him tried to find his strike partner nick. The cross quickly turned into an attempted lob which had the visiting goalkeeper struggling to find the ball with the wind swirling and the sun in his eyes. Despite the obstacles the keeper managed to parry away a ball that seemed to be dropping into the top corner but only as far as the oncoming Nick Heather who duly put the ball in the back of the net to put Barnstoneworth in the lead with 25 or so to play.

The game slipped back into a familiar script then with tired legs on both teams struggling to create many clear cut opportunities though Barnstoneworth did have some joy down the right with a strong second half performance from Dave playing wide right doing most of the damage. However, as has been the tale of the last few games, the home side were unable to build on a one goal lead leaving themselves and unnecessarily uncomfortable end to the match.

The conditions continued to dominate and any threats were expertly dealt with by the back four of Tony, Joe, Richie and Wynton leaving little work for Marcel between the posts. The final whistle came with a touch of relief for both the result and many tired legs out on the playing surface.

The general consensus at the end of the game is that the team is still playing within itself and definitely has a few more gears to move up through in the coming weeks. These gears will need to be found soon with a big match coming up next weekend against a Maroubra team going well in the league. All in all though it should be taken as a positive that the team ground out another important win on a day when they didn’t play their best to keep themselves right in contention at the right end of the table on an important and enjoyable day for those involved in the club.

After last Sunday’s wake-up call at the hands of Coogee, Barnstoneworth travelled to UNSW hoping that the only thing plastic about this week’s performance was the pitch. Late news coming from the dressing room was the management had reshuffled the starting line-up bringing in Ricky on the right for Anto and much to his pleasure, (cue the scouse jig), Sean being positioned up front to freshen up the attacking options.
In blustery autumn conditions the game kicked off with the home team instantly going on the attack and within 2 minutes had a clear cut chance to score the opener. Only woeful finishing prevented UNSW from going into the lead. They continued to press and peppered the goal with wild shots the only noteable being tipped over the bar by Marcel.

After the 15 minute mark the Barnstoneworth team finally started to pass the ball around and come alive. A few good one two’s and a pass down the wing saw Peter storm on only for him to catch sight of a tanned leg and perky bum cheek from the other pitch and wildly blast his cross behind the goal much to the delight and the jeering of “Dad they’re only 18!!!!” from his own kids.

Barnstoneworth pushed on from this and in 20 minutes saw the deadlock broken. A kick upfield from Marcel saw a classy one/two between Andy and Sean on the right placing the ball into the path of Ricky who drilled it low and hard passed the keeper into the bottom corner. The whole of the away bench rose to celebrate the goal leaving one lone Irishman with his head in his hands to ponder his first team future.

1-0

Buoyed by the opener Barnstoneworth pushed on with waves of attack and it wasn’t long till the second came. After a cynical hand ball 30 yards out from the UNSW defender Paul Hartley stubbed out his cigarette on the sideline, stepped up and blasted an unstoppable shot only to smash the underside bar and bounce on the goal line for Bruiser to tap home. Desperate to add to his goal tally for the year Danny with only what could be described as a flying ninja style elbow barged him off the ball and tapped home from an inch.

2-0

Barnstoneworth continued to push and got into their passing rhythm and after 30mins another dash up the line from Ricky saw him square the ball to Danny to pass the ball into an open goal but the UNSW managed to get a toe to it. From the resulting clearance UNSW pushed up the park and a rare break into the box saw the ball bounce wickedly off Paul Hartley’s hand. The referee pointed to the spot and the ball was dully dispatched.

2-1

The rest of the half petered out with no team making any chances and the Barnstoneworth back 4 standing firm with Lee playing out of skin at right back only to twist his ankle and be replaced on half time.

Half Time 2-1

After ignoring everything the management team said at half time to concentrate on the tight tanned bodies running up and down the adjoining pitch a testosterone fuelled team banged in the third after only 1 minute of the second half. A long clearance from Marcell up the pitch saw a sublime flick from Sean to Ricky on the right who drilled a low cross through the defence for an oncoming Danny to sweep the ball into the bottom left hand corner of the net.

3-1

After this it was all Barnstoneworth with Gav and Darren bossing the midfield and Ricky, Sean and Andy passing the ball around and making great runs up the wings creating lots of chances but more shots were clearing the dressing sheds than troubling the home keeper. Undeterred they kept on piling on the pressure and when a slack clearance from the keeper, who looked like he had a rare day off from working in Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory went straight to Gav’s feet and an opportune “take some of that” lob from 30 yards saw the red and white’s go 4-1 up.

4-1

As the sun began to set the play swept from end to end a few subs were brought on to replace some tiring legs and it was looking like the Barnstoneworth would cruise through to a 5 or 6 goal rout but UNSW had other thoughts. On the 70 minute mark a UNSW midfielder broke free and slotted a precise ball through the high defence for the striker to run through and bury the ball low into the right hand corner of the net.
4-2

This may have caused a wobble but Barnstoneworth passed the ball around and cruised through to the 90 minutes with a convincing passing display much to the delight of the management team.

Massive reshuffle due to five players being injured.

1st half fairly close, Coogee shading it and getting the only goal of the game from a header at a free kick. Buried emphatically. Marcel doing well to keep us in contention.

2nd half, we dominated (without in my opinion) ever looking like we were going to score, but constantly looking like we should have.

Last two minutes, a blistering shot from 25 yards out saved brilliantly by the Coogee goalkeeper to earn Coogee the points.

We might come to regret this result at the end of the season, but with a full squad, we should be able to reverse this result in the return fixture. July 9th – Judgment Day !

Opposition Game

Opposition Summary

Barnstoneworth Game

Barnstoneworth Summary

Paul announced the starting line-up – Marcel, Chris, Rich, Joe, Tony, Ronan, Dan, Fergal, Gaz, Nick and Wynton.

Coogee started brightly with some nice, intricate passing down their left and they were getting men into the box at every opportunity. Slightly against the run of play the first chance of the match fell to Barnstoneworth. Ronan played the ball in from the left, Nick pulled away from the defender and the ball dropped nicely to Gaz but his strike lacked the power to beat the keeper from the edge of the box.

Then, just as we seemed to be getting into our stride and creating some chances, some sloppy passing on the right gifted possession to Coogee, they broke forward with purpose and the ball fell nicely to one of their midfielders who smashed a low shot into the bottom corner. 0-1. Gutted.

Dan, Nick and Wynton all tried long-range efforts to get us back into the game, Wynton’s in particular seemed destined to drop perfectly over the Coogee keeper but he managed to get back and claw it away.

Moments later the Barnstoneworth lads were level. A deep cross over from the right dropped over the last defender and Nick did brilliantly to turn back inside and smash the ball home at the near post. 1-1, the volume rose and the Barnstoneworth boys had finally arrived winning the 50-50s and putting some hard challenges in.

The pressure appeared to have paid off when we scored a perfectly good goal, Dan running through to bury it, but the ref blew for offside basically because Coogee called for it. It was a theme that was to continue for the remainder of the game.

We were getting forward with more vigour and belief and after some interchanged passing between Gaz and Fergal, a strike at goal took a deflection and went out for a corner. Dan swung a peach into the box, the keeper stayed put and Joe rose highest to power a header low and into the back of the net. 2-1.

Coogee continued to pose all of their questions down their left and managed to get in behind a few times. Tony, Rich and Joe doing well to keep the score at 2-1 as we went into the break.

Half-time we recognized the danger coming down the left and the switch of Ronan to right mid helped nullify that outlet for Coogee early in the second half.

Now it was our turn to cause Coogee some problems down the right. Ronan, Al*, and Mark* passing nicely between them and giving the Coogee defence a lot to think about. Ronan broke forward and with the ball screaming to be hit, he unselfishly looked to play in Nick but Coogee recovered their ground and the chance went begging.

Tony was next to burst forward with a great run and one-two that so very nearly put Tony through one-on-one with the keeper.

The pressure was mounting and finally paid off when Nick played Al* through and just as Al pulled back the trigger ready to drill the ball home, the Coogee defender nipped in and very kindly did it for him. Cheers mate. 3-1.

Coogee, desperate for their first win of the season, really upped their game. They came forward in droves and courtesy of an awful lot of soft free-kicks, they were getting the ball into the box.

In came a corner, Marcel looked favourite to get there but the ball managed to sneak beyond the near post and dropped perfectly for a Coogee forward to tap it into the empty net. 3-2 and a good 25 mins left. We don’t make it easy for ourselves.

Coogee continued to throw everything but the kitchen sink at a resilient Joe and Rich, Chris kept them out at left-back and Wynton did well on the right. One attack down the Coogee right saw four of their men in space around the penalty area but fortunately the ball feel to Wynton who cleared well.

Barnstoneworth were breaking fast and playing some nice stuff down the right with Al, Mark, Gaz and Nick combining well. We could easily have had a fourth but for some unlucky finishing. Al and Dan with the best chances to seal the game but deciding instead that drama and intensity is a much more fulfilling outcome.

Coogee started getting desperate with one lad booked for diving and some clear frustration creeping into their play. Fergal doing brilliantly on countless occasions to nip the ball off them in the vital area in front of our back four.

Then came my favourite moment of the match. I can’t really remember what happened, perhaps Coogee were denied a corner, but their centre-forward threw one of the best tantrums I’ve ever seen. NOOOO! He Shrieked, as he fell to his knees and looked up at the Gods. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! He screamed again this time with a tone of horror in his tremmoring voice. Had he just been told that he had a debilitating disease and had only days to live? Had all of his shares suddenly bottomed out on Wall Street rendering him bankrupt? What could possibly have caused such anguish and pain? Ah, that’s right, he felt it should have been a corner.

One last chance again coming down the right, Mark and Gaz playing a nice one-two with Gaz driving into the box and looking to pick out Dan only for the ball to be cleared. The ref blew and we breathed a sigh of relief. A hard-fought win that we deserved. MOTM – Rich. Solid at the back and made some vital interventions when it mattered.

It was a windy day and the venue was Heffron Park . Team moral was still high after the defeat to Maroubra and BUFC were looking to bounce back with a win. Hangovers gone from the raffle night the mood was good. It was Jonesy’s turn to wash the kits and he seemed to have done it in the local Chinese take away, no opposition players would be man marking us as the smell of sweet and sour chicken was potent.

The gaffa gathered the players together for the pre match team talk, he was mixing it up this week with the Christmas tree formation and the angel at the top of the three was going be Tool Shed ben. With only a few weeks left in Oz before his return to the mother country he was given a golden lifeline by the manager to score his first ever goal for BUFC.

The game kicked off and BUFC searched for an opener and had complete control of the game with the solid trio in defence keeping things quiet. About 30mins in a fine ball into the right channel, let in goal machine Bryn who struck the ball into the top corner, great turn great finish that mans a legend. A great early strike and just what we needed 1 -0.

Barnstoneworth continued to be impressive with some great tackles and headers were inexplicably pulled up for fouls by the ref! Ken was keeping things solid in defence and had recovered well from the injury scare the week before. Going into the half time break the team were confident but still smelling of Chinese food.

After a discussion between the gaffa and Framps and a kiss and make up fresh legs were brought in the midfield and up front.

Bryn was looking sharp and it was only a matter of time before another goal would come his way and 20mins in he does it again – great turn great finish that mans a legend – he could teach Ben how to score. 2-0 get in there BUFC were dominating the game and the ball was being kept on the deck as the gaffa wanted.

With ten minutes to go however glebe were getting more and more of the possession and the ball broke to the edge of the box where a deflected shot looped over the defence to the big dope up front who was standing 10 yards offside and he slides the ball past ken 2-1, unfair reflection on the game as BUFC had the run of it so far. This woke Barnstoneworth up and then were soon 3-1 up as Barry slipped in a goal with a few minutes to go following good work from Niall and Mac.

Final Score – Glebe Wanderers 1 – 3 Barnstoneworth.

Overall a good result on a windy day and bring on the dirty Russian showdown!!

Man of the match: Bryn Lawlor – Cogley in goal had a great game, but superbly finished move in the 2^nd half following a wonder strike in the first means Lawlor takes out this week’s accolade!

It was a bright and breezy day – perfect conditions for a game of football. Everyone was anxious to put last week’s debacle to bed with a good performance and most importantly a win. Starting line-up: Gary Anderson; Anthony J; Rich Petchey; Chris Hamilton; Lee Plumridge; Wynton S; Fergal Gallagher; Dan Eeles; Ronan Murphy; Nick Heather; and Wesley Nolan. For the first 15 minutes, we started well with some slick passing and good movement up front – Wes ably supporting Nick (a typical little and large striking partnership). However, Loko came back into it: with the help of the strong breeze, they started peppering our goals with some long range shots. Gary pulling off two magnificent saves to keep the game nil all. How and ever, the pressure finally told when the main Loko striker swivelled and volleyed a shot from twenty yards which just beat Gary and flew into the top corner. A decent goal in all fairness.

Alas, it was 0-1 and this was the acid test. Would we put our heads down and allow the demons of the previous Sunday to take over? We had to man-up: which is exactly what Nick did. Chasing down what seemed to be a lost cause (a back-pass to the Loko goal-keeper which was a bit short); Nick blocked the goal-keeper’s hurried clearance, ran on to the ball and coolly slid it home to the unguarded net from six yards. One all. The Barnstoneworth lads were back in the game.

What followed – as we approached half-time – could only be described as sheer bad luck. A defensive mix-up between Tony and Chris allowed the Loko striker a free run to goal and a shot from ten yards. Gary did very well to save it but in the process managed to break his right wrist. As Gary left the field of play (the stature of the man meant he walked off the pitch rather than stage a sit in), the Loko striker received the rebound and slammed the ball to the back of the net. Everyone thought in unison: “Ref, surely not. Stop play for a serious injury. For the love of God, the guy has just broken his arm”. If Paolo Di Canio was playing he would have lifted the ball, consoled Gary, asked the ref to ring an ambulance, while singing a verse of ‘Nessun dorma’ to soothe Gary’s pain. Unfortunately, there were no Paolo Di Canio-esque players in the Loko side. They played on, they scored, and the ref said the goal stood. Halftime: 1-2.

We were shell-shocked at half-time. 1-2 down and we were without our prized goal-keeper. What were we to do; who would go in goals; and who’s bringing Gary to hospital? The answers: score two goals and win the game for Gary; Chris Hamilton in nets; and Al Dowling to do his best impression of Mother Theresa and bring Gary to hospital to get checked out.

We started the second half with some serious intent. The wrongs of the first-half had to be put right. The first fifteen minutes of the second half saw us play some of our best football of the season to date. The comeback started with a cracker from Wes. Receiving the ball about twenty-five yards out from goal, Wes had a few options: Dan on his left, Fergal just behind him or spray it our right to Wynton. Stuff that he thought. So, a bit like Peter Kay in the famous John Smith’s television ad, he says: “’ave it!!!!!!!!!!” Bang. He let fly and the ball looped over the goal-keeper into the net. Actually, the keeper got a touch (maybe three or four touches) but the poor lad couldn’t keep it out. 2-2. Game on.

From the kick-off, we were like men possessed. Chasing down the opposition we won the ball back. This time it was Dan’s turn to have a go from distance. An angled drive low to the keeper’s left, the ball nestled into the back of the net. 3-2. Momentum was with us now. Again from the restart we won possession. Tony made a searing run from right-back: beating one man, then another and another. He was on the edge of the box and played a delighted through ball to Ferg. Ferg was one-on-one: this was it. Time to break the duck for the season. The goal-keeper came rushing off his line, Ferg took it first time and slid it past the on-rushing ‘keeper. The ball glided along the ground and was destined for the back of the net. Alas, the post got in the way and Loko escaped.

In fairness to the opposition, they came right back into the game. They threw the kitchen sink at us for the remainder of the second half. They shot from all angles. They hit the crossbar. Chris made some truly fantastic saves. One in particular from a free-kick – Chris dived across the goal like a salmon jumping along Belfast Lough and palmed the ball away for a corner. At this point the ref was giving everything – unintentional handballs, 50/50 challenges, looking side-ways, using expletives, as a sub not entering the field of ball at the half-way line. Unreal.

And then it came down to one last free-kick twenty yards from goal. Ronan had been adjudged to have used a high footed challenge. Again another 50/50 challenge against us. Everyone was on tender-hooks. The Loko striker came up and slapped it past the wall. All eyes were on Peter Pan (I mean Chris Hamilton). Chris again saved but the ball rebounded out into the six yard box. A Loko player got there first and nudged it towards goal but again Chris saved with a fearless dive. This time the rebound was cleared and the full-time whistle was blown. 3-2 victory. The lads were elated. Questions about our character from last week’s mauling had been answered. As Meatloaf once sang “Three out of four ain’t bad”….or was it two out of three? Regardless, we were on the march again.

Man of the match: Chris Hamilton. Also, a special mention to Rich Petchey for some uncompromising defending. These two lads carried us across the line.

The entertainment is booked, and the tickets are up for grabs, though numbers are extremely limited.

Food and drink is included in the price of a ticket, so for $100 you get the chance to mingle with some of BUFC legends  and stuff your face silly full of beer and food.

Grab your tickets now.

Sunday turned out to be a stroll in the park for the Barnstoneworth boys who completed a
4-1 mauling of Lions FC at Centennial to continue their unbeaten start to the season.

By the time this reporter arrived, Barnstoneworth had stormed into an early lead despite the blustery conditions. A long ball from big Marcel was launched downfield and knocked on by Ronan. Danny was on hand to pick up the scraps and stab it home from 6 yards (this is how Mark Johnston described it anyway).

The boys kept the pressure up with some nice football, pressing Lions back into their own half. Up front, fans’ favourite Andy – better known as the Black Stallion – failed to find his shooting boots, spurning chance-after-chance as he pranced around the paddock.

Without the touch-line backing of his WAGs, this man looks like a shadow of himself. Clearly lacking confidence, the Stallion hoofed around eight shots over the bar in quick succession, before trundling another two pass-backs straight to the Lions’ keeper. Not one for keeping his trap shut, the Stallion was quick to lay the blame on ‘the feckin wind’ and anything else he could come up with.

Barnstoneworth were bossing the game, and Peter Jones was linking well with the front men with some nice passing. But it was the Jonesy throw-in which really got the crowd going. Somehow the ref missed several foul throws into the Lions’ box, with the boys gaining an unfair advantage from the Jonesy missiles.

The constant pressure soon paid off with the second goal coming after 20 minutes – and from an unlikely source. A good move down the left saw the ball cut back neatly to Anto who calmly finished from 8 yards. A real collector’s item from the Irishman, who’s first strike of this campaign ensured he surpassed his goal tally from last season.

This pressure was relentless, with the third goal coming amid bizarre circumstances. Left back Paul Hartley raced into the box and hit a shot which took a wicked deflection off the Lions defender and landed in the net. The ref was slow to signal the goal – and with no celebrations on the pitch – the crowd on the sidelines were unsure if the ball had crossed the line.

There was one more goal before half-time, which came from a flurry of corners. The ball broke to Big Al who scuffed it along the ground from 12 yards. Somehow it made it through a sea of legs to hit the net.

One other highlight was Ronan being kicked 10 feet into the air by one of the Lions defenders wearing a Hamas headband. The crunching challenge was applauded by Bruiser – a man who this season has done his best to keep his colleagues in the Emergency Department at Randwick working overtime.

At half-time, Barnstoneworth’s fiery Scottish coach Billy Lettuce was insistent the score was ‘still fackin nil-nil and I don’t want any of yous wee gadgies playin oot of position by trying to get yersel a goal’.

His sage advice went unheeded, with Barnstoneworth making a dreadful start to the second half. So much so that coach Lettuce was seen bursting from a cloud of cigarette smoke to launch a stinging attack on the boys for their wasteful passing.

Lions were in the ascendancy and quickly won a free kick 30 yards out on the right. The Lions midfielder decided to have a crack and curled one straight down the middle. Marcel tried to apply some of his Continental keeping skills by punching clear, but only succeeded in punching the ball straight into the top corner.

As the half wore on, things were looking a bit disjointed. The midfield was clearly missing the guile and craft of midfield maestro Houston, who last week fell victim to a vicious arachnid attack and was forced to watch from the sidelines.

But in the end, it was a comfortable and deserved win for the boys, who in a scintillating first half reduced the roar of the Lions to a whimper.

Player ratings (out of 10)

Marcel - Nothing to do all game, but when called upon to do something, did nothing. 6

Skipper John – Lumbered forward for a few corners, but didn’t get lucky this week. Solid at the back. 6

Bruiser – Clattered six players in one tackle and somehow ended up the only man injured.
Relatively untroubled at the back. 6

Jonesy – To the delight of onlookers, only six foul throws committed – a personal best – and none
were spotted by the ref. Comfortable on the ball, good range of passing to the frontline.
STAR MAN. 9

Hartley – Slotting in well at left back, rampaged forward to claim a deflected goal. Smoked 10 fags in
the first half. 7

Darren – Industrious, but ineffective. Some misplaced passes, clearly missing Houston’s influence in
the midfield. Good work rate. 5.5

Sean – Played like an old VW golf of mine – never got out of 3rd gear. A stroll in the park for the
all-action Scouser. 7

Anto – Finished his goal well, but was posted missing in action in the second half. 6

Black Stallion -Around 15 shots registered, one of which was saved well by the keeper. Still learning
there’s no ‘I’ in team. A disappointing game for the talisman who has got a lot more in his
locker. 5.5

Ronan – Couldn’t buy a goal at the moment, and with the Black Stallion’s lack of passing he could
be in for a long wait. Good work rate and sustained his obligatory injury mid-way through
the first half. 7

Danny - Got his customary goal, and an uncustomary booking. Is this a new wild side to Danny
we’re seeing? Let’s hope so. 6

SUBS
Pete -   Untroubled at the back, no suicide passes this week. 6

Ricky – A few rampaging runs down the left wing. Looked dangerous on the ball – as in a danger
to himself and everyone else. 6

Daz -     Kept the ball down well, played the right pass. What you’d expect from the Norn Irishman. 6

Big Al – An eventful game for the big man. A rare burst into the box brought his goal. Unfortunately
this was quickly followed by a lunging challenge that burst his hammy. 6.5

Mark Johnston -   Some brutal one-liners on the sideline this week. 6